Sunday, March 19, 2017
March 19 - Wow
I don't even know when I was here last, blogging. I know that I pretty much stopped after I got my new job in October. So much has been going on.
Perhaps I should start my story over.....give a recap of sorts?
So here goes...............
I've known I was a submissive my entire life. I cannot say that I knew what a submissive was so I really didn't have an understanding of anything until after I read 50 Shades. Yea I already know what some of you are thinking, but don't. After I read those books I literally dove into Every. Single. Book. I could to learn about submission and the lifestyle.
It wasn't really an "ah ha" moment for me because I already knew that I was a submissive, but I was very happy to learn the definition of what I was and that I wasn't alone.
I began to search for someone that I could enter into a relationship with. Met some "dom's" that were not so good and began to learn what a real dom was vs. a fake one. Luckily they were long distance so I didn't suffer too badly. I was lucky.
Finally I found a real Dom on a site. We connected extremely well. He took me on as his submissive after some time of talking about limits, wants, needs, etc. One small, teensy winsy thing. He lived half way across the country. So we entered into long distance M/s relationship.
I loved this relationship. I was very happy and content. But as the years went on there was a physical need that I craved. After some time of realizing that I needed more physical then he could give me, he decided I should date.
I met several men, but none that I was really too interested in. None that I could just fuck and move on. Turns out I also found out that I am a demi-sexual. This means that I cannot sleep with anyone that I don't have a mental connection with.
Until one day. The day I met Oliver.
I explained to Oliver about myself as a submissive and that I was owned by someone. Honestly now I don't remember what he thought of it all but I know he did do some research. Turned out I enlightened him. It seemed that he had always felt dominant but didn't quite understand anything about it being a lifestyle or anything else.
As time went on Oliver and I became closer and my physical need to touch him was too much. I had gotten approval from the master that owned me to have that need met. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing that time was. Something I truly will never forget. Never in my life had a man made me cum. Oliver did just that! Think I wanted more - lol.......................um YEA!
This is where I started to have some problems. While I never wanted to be away from master, my need to be with Oliver grew. It became stressful and I felt tied between the two. It was not a happy time for me. Master had released me for a bit and I literally went nuts. I lost it and did not want to be without him. So the 3 of us made it work. It was after some time that the realization of this would not work. After several weeks of speaking with master, I was released again and given to Oliver. He then became my Dom, and still, to this day is.
I still am in contact with master daily, but our relationship is clearly very different now. I will always have a need for him in my life though. He helped me through really so much and I will forever be grateful. He's an amazing man.
Now about Oliver and I....we don't have a M/s relationship. We have our version of a DD/lg relationship. I'm not a true little. I do call Him Daddy though. And our relationship is 24/7 and in person, not long distance. We see each other almost every day. Our relationship has been in a bit of a rut after I got the new job. Part of that has been the reason I haven't been here.
Part of my life is very stressful. I've allowed, and He's allowed, that stress to take me away from being a submissive. It was so bad it was to the point where I questioned whether or not I still even wanted to be in a BDSM relationship. I asked Oliver for a break and we went back and forth a lot about my tasks and rules, etc. He was very lax. I think He was this way because He wasn't sure if being hard on me would have pushed me over the edge. He waited it out until the stress dissipated.
Was this good for a Dom to do? Maybe not, but it's what He did and we both learned from it. I don't think that He will allow it to happen ever again. Actually I'm pretty sure He won't allow it to happen again. He has a better hold of me and things now.
Our relationship is beginning to grow again and become much better. I'm not the easiest person to train and I think He's also learned how to handle that. He is continuing to learn, grow and realize mistakes, as am I. I think now that the stress will be gone for awhile we need to grow stronger so that when it comes around again we will both handle it better and know exactly what to do, or not to do.
Today He said something pretty cool. Sometimes when we talk, freely, I tell Him that I think I am mentally stronger than Him. That He can't break me. Today He asked me if I felt the same. I told Him I did. He said this. "When I'm not with you, you feel disconnected and alone. You feel confused and irritable. These are not signs of strengths. When I'm with you, you feel emboldened enough to be bratty. You feel confident and loved. Those are signs of strength. So when are you strongest? What is the source of your strength?"
Amazing right. I never realized that.
I do want Captain (I call Him this too sometimes, especially in public) to break me. Very badly. I can feel it more lately. Feeling the submission in my mind that I so missed.
The long distance relationship was so much easier not to fall out of the submission mind because it was the only thing we had. This relationship with Captain is hard work. So very much worth it though. I can't wait to write about the future. I think Daddy is ready to take us to another level, and while I'm very nervous, I'm very excited. I trust Him, I know He will not hurt me, but it makes me nervous because He will be making me more mentally connected to Him. I love the mental part. I need it, but it leaves me open to be truly damaged if He never decides to let me go.
Not sure what else to say................but it feels extremely good to be back here. I hope to be back more often.
Perhaps I should start my story over.....give a recap of sorts?
So here goes...............
I've known I was a submissive my entire life. I cannot say that I knew what a submissive was so I really didn't have an understanding of anything until after I read 50 Shades. Yea I already know what some of you are thinking, but don't. After I read those books I literally dove into Every. Single. Book. I could to learn about submission and the lifestyle.
It wasn't really an "ah ha" moment for me because I already knew that I was a submissive, but I was very happy to learn the definition of what I was and that I wasn't alone.
I began to search for someone that I could enter into a relationship with. Met some "dom's" that were not so good and began to learn what a real dom was vs. a fake one. Luckily they were long distance so I didn't suffer too badly. I was lucky.
Finally I found a real Dom on a site. We connected extremely well. He took me on as his submissive after some time of talking about limits, wants, needs, etc. One small, teensy winsy thing. He lived half way across the country. So we entered into long distance M/s relationship.
I loved this relationship. I was very happy and content. But as the years went on there was a physical need that I craved. After some time of realizing that I needed more physical then he could give me, he decided I should date.
I met several men, but none that I was really too interested in. None that I could just fuck and move on. Turns out I also found out that I am a demi-sexual. This means that I cannot sleep with anyone that I don't have a mental connection with.
Until one day. The day I met Oliver.
I explained to Oliver about myself as a submissive and that I was owned by someone. Honestly now I don't remember what he thought of it all but I know he did do some research. Turned out I enlightened him. It seemed that he had always felt dominant but didn't quite understand anything about it being a lifestyle or anything else.
As time went on Oliver and I became closer and my physical need to touch him was too much. I had gotten approval from the master that owned me to have that need met. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing that time was. Something I truly will never forget. Never in my life had a man made me cum. Oliver did just that! Think I wanted more - lol.......................um YEA!
This is where I started to have some problems. While I never wanted to be away from master, my need to be with Oliver grew. It became stressful and I felt tied between the two. It was not a happy time for me. Master had released me for a bit and I literally went nuts. I lost it and did not want to be without him. So the 3 of us made it work. It was after some time that the realization of this would not work. After several weeks of speaking with master, I was released again and given to Oliver. He then became my Dom, and still, to this day is.
I still am in contact with master daily, but our relationship is clearly very different now. I will always have a need for him in my life though. He helped me through really so much and I will forever be grateful. He's an amazing man.
Now about Oliver and I....we don't have a M/s relationship. We have our version of a DD/lg relationship. I'm not a true little. I do call Him Daddy though. And our relationship is 24/7 and in person, not long distance. We see each other almost every day. Our relationship has been in a bit of a rut after I got the new job. Part of that has been the reason I haven't been here.
Part of my life is very stressful. I've allowed, and He's allowed, that stress to take me away from being a submissive. It was so bad it was to the point where I questioned whether or not I still even wanted to be in a BDSM relationship. I asked Oliver for a break and we went back and forth a lot about my tasks and rules, etc. He was very lax. I think He was this way because He wasn't sure if being hard on me would have pushed me over the edge. He waited it out until the stress dissipated.
Was this good for a Dom to do? Maybe not, but it's what He did and we both learned from it. I don't think that He will allow it to happen ever again. Actually I'm pretty sure He won't allow it to happen again. He has a better hold of me and things now.
Our relationship is beginning to grow again and become much better. I'm not the easiest person to train and I think He's also learned how to handle that. He is continuing to learn, grow and realize mistakes, as am I. I think now that the stress will be gone for awhile we need to grow stronger so that when it comes around again we will both handle it better and know exactly what to do, or not to do.
Today He said something pretty cool. Sometimes when we talk, freely, I tell Him that I think I am mentally stronger than Him. That He can't break me. Today He asked me if I felt the same. I told Him I did. He said this. "When I'm not with you, you feel disconnected and alone. You feel confused and irritable. These are not signs of strengths. When I'm with you, you feel emboldened enough to be bratty. You feel confident and loved. Those are signs of strength. So when are you strongest? What is the source of your strength?"
Amazing right. I never realized that.
I do want Captain (I call Him this too sometimes, especially in public) to break me. Very badly. I can feel it more lately. Feeling the submission in my mind that I so missed.
The long distance relationship was so much easier not to fall out of the submission mind because it was the only thing we had. This relationship with Captain is hard work. So very much worth it though. I can't wait to write about the future. I think Daddy is ready to take us to another level, and while I'm very nervous, I'm very excited. I trust Him, I know He will not hurt me, but it makes me nervous because He will be making me more mentally connected to Him. I love the mental part. I need it, but it leaves me open to be truly damaged if He never decides to let me go.
Not sure what else to say................but it feels extremely good to be back here. I hope to be back more often.
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